Armageddon

I know it's small but my last call's been called
half an hour ago
I know it's late but do you think you could at least
fix it for me
Then I'll go I'll go alone I swear
I won't tell a soul
I'll drink this beer and write in fear
of a song everybody hates
Armageddon, let the light in
Before we say goodbye give us something to believe in
Armageddon, we're not begging
For too much I don't think

Are you breaking up with me?

Ha. Will decided he was going to make a PX run on the way to Ontario (AGAIN) to help his dad cut down a tree. Well, he said " Hey babe meet me at the PX." WELL knowing that I just had my tooth pulled so I'm on vicodin and I can't drive. So I text back "If you want to see me, come see me. I shouldn't have to drive to see you." He comes over. We end up having a conversation about us and stuff and I apologized the other night for being a clingy bitch and I've been working on it. Honestly I have. Don't look at your computer screen like that scoffing my words. Anyway, in this conversation I end up saying what I feel and it comes out as, "I feel like I'm getting in the way of you and that I'm all of a sudden an inconvenience." He said "Wait..are you breaking up with me?" with a look of surprise, confusion, and kinda looks like a dog with his tail in between his legs.  Obviously I say no. I do add that I've been feeling like he's going to break up with me and he looked at me like I'm insane. So apparently he's thinking that I'm not going to break up with him and obviously he doesn't want to break up with me, so he's comfortable. He's obviously still texting that girl. Oh not to mention....lately it's seemed like he doesn't want to chill with me unless we're going to have sex..

I have no idea what to do about that..but...the break up is not a movie I should be watching.

I love Will but I honestly think I deserve to be treated just a little bit better..

"But the fact of the matter is that there's not one person

that I know that you trust enough to let close enough

that they could hurt you.

And her big problem is that you really liked her.

I mean, she is the one girl you really liked.

And no matter what she did and how hard she tried,

you were never gonna let your guard down.

That poor girl never stood a chance."

Oh my aching MOUTH!

So I went to dental on Tuesday and long story short, I had to get my only wisdom tooth pulled Wednesday morning. My mouth hurts.
Anyway. While hanging out with William this week...he was STILL texting that girl. Its completely obvious that I know but he just doesn't care. I mean, now that I've been sitting here reflecting..I can't figure out if it's me that's acting weird now or him. It's almost uncanny how much my horoscope and everything around me seems to be telling me to get out while I'm still alive, but you know what. I'm gonna wait until he slips up. If he even does. I mean..she's not even on his facebook, which according to Alex, means that she probably doesn't mean shit to him. Maybe it's just innocent flirting..idk. I just gotta learn to let it go. Yesterday he brought be soup and gauze..which was nice..but I got a half ass hug..he said he was just tired and in a bad mood..I asked him to hang out today and his excuse was "well your on SIQ." That shouldn't matter..but..he has been sleeping a lot lately. His roommate can verify that. Oh, in addition to texting that girl, he's saying its his friend Josh. It used to be "Oh it's Saidd," until me and Saidd became friends. Now he has to use someone I don't talk to as a cover, or maybe it really is Josh. That I don't know. BUT I'm going to try to befriend Josh and maybe he'll pull something else. What it all comes down to though is that, I need to work on myself and my trust issues, (as always.) and I'm getting mine. OH YEAH! That's another thing. He's been less interested in sex. Its most likely cause we're always fucking like animals and it makes it more exciting the less we do it..

I think I may have had an epiphany just now. I think he's flirting with that other girl because I'm smothering him. I've always been told I'm not clingy, but I do admit that I like to cling to something that I like..and I really like Will. He said "Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you push the things you like away because you smother them?" Which is true. Very very true, and I hate to admit it but it's the truth. If I give him space, like I have been I can salvage our relationship, but I could also be giving him more room to cheat. If he's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. There's straight up nothing I can do about that.

I can't remember who I was a month ago..maybe because I've been stressed out about things I shouldn't be..but if I can't figure this out before I EAS idk what I'm going to do. I would like to think that if I'm with Will by the time I EAS I'll stay out here in Cali. If not, my brother offered me a place to go and a job in Florida. I LOVE california, but it's just too damn expensive, especially if I'm going to be a full time student using the BAH I'll get.

My limited duty ended on the 14th. My civilian doctor extended it, but I have no idea if the Marine Corps will accept it..so I have to call Balboa in San Diego, most likely drive down there and see what I can do. This is annoying and I guarantee I'm going to get shit for it from the unit. I just can not wait to have a job where my physical abilities and traits won't matter.  

BPD, Love, and Work.

Last night I felt like I was really being taken advantage of and taken for granted. So I asked all my "friends" if they felt like they take me for granted. I asked my boyfriend also. Well...William decides that this pisses him off that I would even ask that. All I wanted was for the person who is supposed to make me feel loved and important and all that gushy stuff, to tell me that I'm a good person and that he doesnt take me for granted and doesn't take advantage of me and all that. I never got that response back and he's upset that I had to ask. The last two days were seriously horrible. I've never wanted to curl up in my blanket and sleep all day more in my life. Maybe it's the vicious cycle of boarderline personality disorder..idk. (How does someone keep a relationship when they have a personality disorder?) The point is...Why is it so hard to just reiterate something for your significant other, so that they feel better about themselves? Isn't that a part of your responsiblities as that persons significant other? To make them happy and to support them no matter what? I know that I supported Will with all of his issues, and I still do when he needs/wants me around. The funny thing is, he says I've changed and I haven't. He's the one that's changing.


Anyway..back to my day. Why is it that people always wanna bring stuff up in front of everyone else, but they won't get in your face when no one is around? I've never understood that. Especially since most of the time you don't need to get in someones face and come in screaming about something. When has yelling ever solved anything? I love when people do that and they're in the wrong. That's the best part because they don't realize how dumb they are. Specifically when they do it in front of a crowd and you look at them like....seriously...your dumb as fuck and everyone in this room just witnessed it. Bottom line: DON'T TALK SHIT YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN ABOUT, CAN'T BACK UP, OR DON'T RATE TO ARGUE.










EDIT: It's almost the end of the day..and talking to Will is almost like talking to a brick wall. He's using 1 or 2 word answers when possible, not texting me back at all, and just being really weird. He's spending the weekend in Ontario with his parents again, and tonight he's chillin and going to Walmart. I'm betting I won't see him until next week..so I said that and he said "I never said that" Everything in my body is telling me that he's cheating or that he's about to break up with me..but since I've been cheated on and hurt badly before, my instincts are tainted. I can either ask him straight up and then try to determine if that's a lie or the truth, I can break up with him before he does it to me, or I can wait. I'm most likely going to wait to see what happens. I hate the waiting game.

Why it's so hard to consider "friends" friends.

Well, since I can't trust my friends with anything because they're all big mouthed; I need to get things off my chest. Hence, the reason for this blog. I'll probably be posting daily, if not more than once a day. I guess we'll start off with a little information about me. First of all, I'm 21 and in the Marine Corps, hating every minute of it. I just had a hip surgery at the end of June. My boyfriends name is Will. We've been dating for like barely 2 months. I thought everything was good but apparently I'm clingy. Anyone will tell you that I am far from clingy. I just really want a relationship to work for me for once. Before I started dating Will, I was single for about 6 months, I just got back from Okinawa and my then boyfriend, Cameron, decided we couldn't date because he wanted to date a girl that he was flirting with while we were together. Anyway, from that relationship and a couple relationships before that, my trust issues are almost out of control..but I'm usually never wrong when I get one of those "feelings." You girls know what I'm talking about. So far, we've established that I'm stubborn, jealous, and un-trusting. (Is that even a word?)

Back to the point of this first blog. Why it's so hard to consider "friends" friends. I think it's so hard to see my friends as being true friends because half the time, people don't care about you; They listen to you so that you'll listen to them when they have a problem. On top of that, most of the time you go to them with a problem they either barely let you talk, and then talk about themselves, or they want to solve everything with food or alcohol. Not to mention the fact that girls are catty; you can't trust most girls with anything. And guys don't care, even if they do they're probably gay and everyone knows that gay relationship world and straight relationship world are completely different. I have a few guy friends, that actually seem to act like they care, and they throw advice out there. They definitely aren't gay, BUT they also want in my pants. I have to take all of their advice with a grain of salt and have to keep the fact they're all DTF in the back of my mind. So what does that mean? Who do I go to when I can't trust my friends? My family? Yeah okay, because all of their relationships and all of their problems are stable. My mothers been married and divorced 4 times, love failed. My father married and divorced 2 times, love failed again. I'm the only actual adult in my entire family, so I guess it's just all me and if I fuck up..I fuck up.